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Sarah Palin 'allegedly' makes stop in DL

DETROIT LAKES, MN -- Sarah Palin's One Nation bus tour made an accidental stop in Detroit Lakes last Wednesday, offering locals a chance to catch a glimpse of the controversial politician in action.

Allegedly, Palin arrived in the small, Northern Minnesota town after spotting a rogue male grizzly bear in the woods from her tour bus. She ordered her driver to pursue the animal, detouring from her planned route between the One Nation tour stops of Milwaukee, Wisconsin and Fargo, North Dakota.

The bear disappeared into the forest, but not before the Palin crew found itself far away from the highway, in a town reassuringly similar to many in Palin's home-country of Alaska.

"Have you saw a grizzly around here?" Palin allegedly asked a local butcher, before becoming distracted by the vast array of venison, buffalo and other meats behind his counter.

"What town is this, anyway?" Palin continued. "I think I might, you know, enjoy this place."

Though the stop was not planned, Palin evidently felt obliged to treat her potential constituents and the always-hungry media to a brief speech, in hopes of converting a few skeptics to her homespun sense of humor, everyday-woman sensibilities and alleged knack for telling a good story. Of course, she did not do this in hopes of winning the presidency, because she is not necessarily even running.

In the vein of last week's claim, that Paul Revere famously rode through Boston and cried out "The British are coming" to warn the British that they would never take the patriots' guns from them, Palin embarked on an hour-long rant which insulted common sense and knowledge at every turn. Desperate for titillation, a dozen news companies shoved microphones in Palin's face, hoping to broadcast her disjointed ramblings in place of real news.

"You see the railroad depot?" she inquired of her audience. "My grandpa-grizzly built that and ran it for 50 years."

Palin then raised her right arm in the air and pointed to the darkening sky.

"See those clouds?" Palin asked, channeling the incipient rage of the not-so-silent "majority." "Those are rain clouds. Eventually, they will make rain. When they do make rain, it will be God's way of saying 'Hey, guys, you can't go raising taxes and expect not to get rained on.' I may or may not run for president, but when someone very-much-like-me wins the presidency, there will be no more taxes, goshdarnit! And no more rain."

As the spotlight glows ever more brightly on Sarah Palin and her antics, this publication cannot help but ask: why does the nation care about someone who offers the public so little? It is sickening to reflect on the ridiculous amount of attention the media is giving the Palin family, yet it is impossible not to ask: Who was the young man Bristol seemed to be rubbing shoulders with at the Detroit Lakes stop?

Was he just another Palin well-wisher? Or could this camaraderie signal the start of yet another round of juicy scandal?

Once-respected newspapers and networks have lowered their journalistic standards to the level of The National Enquirer, yet the nation inquires: wouldn't it be crazy if Mrs. Palin ran for president, and actually won?

The Palin bunch may be riding a luxurious, vainly-decorated tour bus, but the whole affair more resembles a train wreck than anything else: no one really wants to see it, but no one can look away. Though Palin defies logic and proper grammar at every turn, it is impossible to ignore her.

Media outlets -- including this one, I now admit -- provide this lunatic with an amount of press coverage historically reserved for people who have had a positive impact on the world, but America is hopelessly addicted to the One Nation spectacle. The media is simply the syringe that administers the fix that the public craves.

For a minute-by-minute update on Palin's One Nation tour, including a 24-hour streaming webcam broadcast from within the tour bus, visit Nathan's News Live online at

Nathan Kitzmann graduated from Detroit Lakes High School and is headed to the University of Minnesota this fall.